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6 Tips for Setting Compassionate Boundaries

October 16, 2017

6 Tips for Setting Compassionate Boundaries

In September’s post, we discussed compassion resilience, or CR, and how to move from compassion fatigue toward wellness. We also discussed the 7 C’s of CR that we can apply in our work with others to ourselves. Review them here. So far, we’ve talked a lot about what CR is and why it’s so important in maintaining your personal well-being and job satisfaction.  In this post, we will discuss 6 tips that will help you set compassionate boundaries. This may seem awkward or difficult to do, but establishing these boundaries will allow you to do your best work in the future and establish healthy relationships with the people you serve, co-workers, family, and friends. What do we mean by setting compassionate boundaries? Typically people think of setting boundaries as being all about what to say “no” to in order to protect ourselves. We focus on words such as declining and refusing. We are trying to avoid feeling frustration, anger, hurt, resentment, or disrespected. While this is part of the concept, we believe that a more positive and proactive approach is actually more effective and compassionate. We start with the question, when you think of the person you want to be on the job, in your friendships, etc., what are the behaviors you want to demonstrate? Once you know that list of behaviors, you can identify the boundaries that you want to set in your relationships that will support you being the person you want to be. Here’s an example: On the job you want to be a person that your co-workers can turn to for assistance when needed. You also want to maintain a pleasant attitude. In order to be both pleasant and available to your co-workers (and get your tasks done!), you would appreciate some notice ahead of time to when your help might be needed. That is a boundary conversation that you can have with your co-workers. Later we will look at what you might say.  While it may be difficult in the short term to set boundaries at home or at work, not doing so may lead to many more problems in the long term. What may indicate that we are not setting compassionate boundaries? Remember Gentry’s “zealot” stage of compassion fatigue, where people say “yes” to each and every opportunity but quickly can move to the “irritability” stage When we do not identify, set, and maintain compassionate boundaries, we may say yes when we really mean no. We may make other people’s problems our priorities, perhaps to the exclusion of our own needs. Not setting boundaries may also be evident when we accept abuse or unfair treatment. We may also become overly apologetic and not speak what we are truly feeling. In short, a lack of boundaries may be a catalyst for compassion fatigue. In contrast, setting healthy boundaries is a way to stand up for our values and maintain both our self-respect and our respect for others. It is a way to prevent and limit our annoyance, frustration, and anger AND increase the likelihood of behaving in the ways that we desire. As Brené Brown says in her book, Daring Greatly, setting very clear boundaries about what we are willing to do, unwilling to do, willing to take on, and unwilling to take on, is an integral part of being compassionate. In the process of developing CR, we must, therefore, learn how and when to apply compassionate boundaries, as well as when to relax or let go of our boundaries.

Six Tips

  1. Know what you want to say “yes” to according to your own priorities and values. Take the time to judge whether a particular action or interaction may lead to us feeling caring and competent or hurt, overwhelmed, stressed, or angry. It may help to tune into your body and notice physical sensations. If you feel a boundary has been crossed, what physical sensations do you experience? Only once you are aware of your own feelings and needs can you take conscious action about how to communicate with the other person.
  2. If you can’t or don’t want to participate, remember that saying “no” is perfectly okay. Many people, especially women, have developed beliefs that we must be pleasing, agreeable, helpful and nice to earn love and appreciation. Taken to the extreme, this belief can make us “give to get” and feel uncomfortable saying no to requests for help. Click here for some additional tips on how to say “no” with compassion.
  3. If you feel that your boundaries are being crossed, respectfully tell that to whoever is crossing them. Tell them how you wish to be treated or state what you are or are not willing to do in words that describe what you value and desire for yourself and your relationships. Reinforce your point by pointing out past violations or near-violations. This will give them specific context and decrease the chances of it happening again. If you think someone will violate your request/wishes, also state the consequence, or what will happen if they do not respect your boundary. Follow through on the consequence if they violate your boundary again.  Be clear and firm, especially with people who don’t have very good boundaries themselves.
  4. Schedule proactive “meetings” to discuss your boundaries. Be firm but polite, and strive to have a natural discussion that involves natural give and take on both sides. This is a way that leads to compassion! This structure offers safety to both parties and allows everyone to leave feeling understood and respected.
  5. Give explanations that are specific and relevant to the other person. This will not only decrease confusion but also increase the likelihood of success. Try not to place blame on either side and focus on moving forward together to find shared solutions. Perhaps find a compromise you can both agree to.
  6. When setting a boundary, you must be willing to accept that you may not get what you want/need. Be willing to let go of the outcome. In sharing a boundary, you have shared what is true for you and honored your values and priorities. It is then up to the other person whether or not to abide by it.
So, let’s go back to how you might talk with co-workers about your desire to be helpful and the boundaries that requires. Using the tips from above, you might say: “I would like to be someone you can count on to help you out when needed. I know that between my job tasks and time limitations, I will not always be able to say yes to your request. I ask that you consider giving me a “heads-up” a few days ahead of time when you can see that you might need some backup.  Because things often happen that you cannot plan for, please still feel free to ask even if you did not give me a “heads-up” and understand if I need to say no.” This proactive boundary setting can support your ability to identify when the boundary is crossed and avoid you and others having an expectation that will always be able to step-up to help a co-worker. Although establishing boundaries can be a challenging process, it is also empowering. If you’re still having a tough time mastering CR, don’t worry. CR is a process that requires constant maintenance and happens over time. Keep at it. Incorporating the above tips into your routine will help prevent and lessen compassion fatigue. We’ll be discussing self-care in November’s post as we continue our series on building CR. Be sure to check in then for more information. In the meantime, sign up for the WISE newsletter, attend a WISE meeting to get more involved, or visit our website at https://eliminatestigma.org/. Thanks, Lucy, and the WISE team

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Examples of What We Offer

Here are some specific examples of what partnership with us can look like. Every plan is customized — this is just a starting point.

PD Workshop Examples

Classroom wellbeing audit 

Classroom teachers assess their current wellbeing supports, identify specific strengths and gaps, and actively engage with research-based strategies to create an action plan for supporting student wellbeing in the classroom. This audit is more than a checklist—it’s a mirror that reflects how your everyday choices shape the mental health and wellbeing of everyone in your classroom. By pausing to rate, reflect, and plan, you will:

  1. Surface hidden stress points and strengths in your routines, environment, and relationships
  2. Connect concrete teaching practices (pacing, feedback, space design) to student and educator wellbeing
  3. Build shared language and data‐driven insights to guide micro‐interventions and systemic change
  4. Empower yourself and colleagues to co‐design evidence-based strategies that boost resilience, engagement, and trust
  5. Establish a continuous improvement cycle: audit → act → measure → refine

Specialized mental health skill-building workshops 

This goes beyond basic literacy to provide staff with practical skills and techniques for managing specific situations and promoting positive mental health within the school. 

Examples

  1. “De-escalation Strategies for School Staff.” A hands-on workshop teaching verbal and non-verbal techniques for safely de-escalating agitated or distressed students. 
  2. “Building Resilience and Coping Skills in the Classroom.” A training focused on equipping teachers with activities and strategies they can directly implement with students to foster resilience, teach coping mechanisms for stress, and promote emotional regulation. 
  3. “Creating Trauma-Informed Classrooms.” A workshop series exploring the impact of trauma on learning and behavior, and providing practical strategies for creating a safe, predictable, and supportive classroom environment that promotes healing and learning.
  4. “Mental Health & Wellbeing First Operational Mindset for Administrators”: When school leaders shift from a purely operational mindset to a mental‑health‑first mindset, the entire culture changes—students feel safer, staff feel supported, and families feel more connected. This workshop provides high‑impact, administrator‑friendly strategies. They’re concrete, actionable, and designed to fit into the real world of school leadership.

Adult SEL development 

Just as students benefit from developing social-emotional skills, so do adults. Adult SEL focuses on educators understanding their own emotions, managing impulses, setting goals, showing empathy, building healthy relationships, and making responsible decisions. 

Examples

  1. Interactive Workshops: Conduct workshops exploring each of the core SEL competencies (self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making) through activities, group discussions, and reflection exercises.  
  2. SEL Integration Training: Train staff on how to weave SEL into their daily interactions, curriculum, and classroom management strategies. This includes explicit instruction on SEL concepts for students, creating opportunities for students to practice SEL skills, and integrating SEL into academic content.
  3. Emotion Regulation Strategies: Provide specific training on recognizing and managing challenging emotions in the workplace, including strategies for de-escalation and maintaining composure during stressful situations.

Integration of mental health into curriculum 

Embedding mental health education within the regular curriculum normalizes these topics, reduces stigma, and equips all students with foundational knowledge and skills related to their emotional well-being. Rogers’ understanding of key mental health concepts can inform curriculum development.

Examples

  1. Developing SEL Lessons with Mental Health Components: Collaborate with teachers to integrate lessons on topics like emotional regulation, empathy, and conflict resolution into existing Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) curricula, drawing on Rogers’ therapeutic approaches.
  2. Incorporating Mental Health Themes into English Language Arts: Suggest age-appropriate literature that explores themes of mental health, resilience, and seeking help, and provide teachers with discussion guides developed with input from mental health professionals.
  3. Creating Interactive Activities for Health Class: Develop engaging activities and projects for health classes that teach students about common mental health conditions, coping strategies, and how to access support.

PD Training Examples

Mental health literacy training 

This partnership focuses on equipping school staff with a foundational understanding of mental health concepts, common disorders in children and adolescents, and the importance of early identification and intervention.

Examples

  1. Elementary School Workshop: “Understanding Childhood Anxiety.” Topics could include:
    1. Different types of anxiety in elementary-aged children (separation anxiety, social anxiety, generalized anxiety).
    2. Observable signs and symptoms in the classroom (e.g., avoidance behaviors, physical complaints, difficulty concentrating).
    3. Strategies teachers can use to create a more supportive and less anxiety-provoking classroom environment (e.g., predictable routines, clear expectations, calming techniques).
  2. High School Professional Development Day: “Recognizing and Responding to Teen Depression and Suicidal Ideation.” Topics could include:
    1. Distinguishing between typical adolescent moodiness and signs of depression.
    2. Understanding risk factors and warning signs for suicide.
    3. Evidence-based strategies for talking to students who may be struggling.
    4. School protocols for reporting concerns and accessing support services.
  3. Customized Training for Special Education Staff: “Mental Health Considerations for Students with Learning Differences.” A tailored workshop addressing the unique mental health challenges that students with IEPs may face and strategies for integrating mental health support into their educational plans.

Trauma-Informed practices 

Trauma-informed practice recognizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery. In a school setting, this means understanding that students (and staff) may have experienced trauma and that these experiences can affect behavior, relationships, and learning. Training helps staff recognize the signs of trauma, respond in a way that avoids re-traumatization, and create a safe and supportive environment. It also includes understanding secondary trauma or compassion fatigue that educators may experience when working with individuals who have experienced trauma.

Examples

  1. Introductory Workshop: A foundational training on the prevalence and impact of trauma, the principles of trauma-informed care (safety, trustworthiness, peer support, collaboration, empowerment, cultural humility), and recognizing signs of trauma in students and colleagues.
  2. Skill-Building Sessions: Workshops focused on specific trauma-informed strategies, such as creating predictable routines, using de-escalation techniques, fostering a sense of safety and control, and promoting student voice and choice.
  3. Addressing Secondary Trauma: Training specifically addressing the impact of working with traumatized individuals on the helper, providing strategies for self-care and seeking support to prevent compassion fatigue and burnout.

Educator Resilience-Building Workshop Examples

Mindfulness and stress reduction workshops for staff 

Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. Stress reduction techniques are practical strategies designed to lower physiological and psychological responses to stress. Training in these areas equips educators with tools to manage the inherent demands and pressures of their job, cultivate a sense of calm, and increase their capacity to be present and responsive.

Examples

  1. Workshop Series: A series of workshops (30-60 minutes each) delivered after school or during professional development time. 
  2. Short, Practical Sessions: Offer 15-minute guided mindfulness or breathing exercises before staff meetings or during designated breaks.
  3. Online Modules: Provide access to self-paced online modules on stress management and mindfulness techniques.

Building resilience (CLE)

Resilience is the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress. Training in resilience helps educators identify their strengths, develop positive coping mechanisms, cultivate optimism, and build strong support networks. 

Examples

  1. Interactive Workshops: Sessions exploring the key components of resilience (e.g., self-awareness, self-regulation, optimism, connection, purpose). Activities could include identifying personal strengths, developing positive self-talk strategies, and practicing problem-solving skills.
  2. Goal Setting and Action Planning: Training on setting realistic goals and developing action plans to navigate challenges and achieve a sense of accomplishment.
  3. Building Support Networks: Facilitating discussions and activities that encourage staff to build strong relationships with colleagues and identify external sources of support.

Enhancing school climate – for the staff

School climate refers to the quality and character of school life. A positive school climate for staff is characterized by trust, respect, collegiality, collaboration, and a sense of belonging. Consultation focuses on identifying areas for improvement and implementing strategies to foster a more supportive and positive environment.

Examples

  1. Team-Building Activities: Recommending and facilitating team-building activities that promote positive relationships and a sense of community among staff.
  2. Recognition and Appreciation Programs: Consulting on developing formal or informal programs to recognize and appreciate staff contributions and efforts.
  3. Creating Opportunities for Social Connection: Advising on creating spaces and opportunities for informal social interaction among staff.

Systemic Examples

Needs assessment and strategic planning (CLE)

A systematic process of gathering information about the current state of staff wellbeing within the school, identifying key stressors, and understanding the needs and preferences of the staff. This data then informs the development of a targeted and effective plan for implementing wellbeing initiatives.

Examples

  1. Administering Surveys: Using anonymous surveys to gather data on staff stress levels, workload perceptions, access to resources, and interest in different types of wellbeing support.
  2. Conducting Focus Groups: Facilitating small group discussions with staff from different roles (teachers, administrators, support staff) to gain deeper qualitative insights into their experiences and needs.
  3. Reviewing Existing Data: Analyzing existing school data such as attendance records (staff absences), staff turnover rates, and incident reports (if relevant to stress/conflict).
  4. Collaborative Goal Setting: Working with the school leadership team and wellbeing committee to set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals for improving staff wellbeing.

Developing supportive policies and practices 

Examining existing school policies, procedures, and unwritten norms to identify those that may contribute to staff stress or hinder wellbeing. Consulting on modifications or new policies that actively promote a healthy work environment.

Examples

  1. Communication Protocols: Advising on establishing clear and efficient communication protocols to reduce ambiguity and information overload.
  2. Meeting Structures: Consulting on making meetings more efficient and purposeful, perhaps by designating some meetings specifically for collaboration or wellbeing check-ins rather than just information dissemination.
  3. Establishing Boundaries: Providing guidance on establishing and respecting professional boundaries regarding work emails and communication outside of school hours.

Consultation on school mental health systems 

This involves leveraging Rogers’ understanding of best practices in mental health care to advise schools on the development and implementation of comprehensive systems that support student and staff well-being.

Examples

  1. Developing a School-Wide Mental Health Protocol: Consulting with a school district to create a clear and consistent protocol for identifying students in need of mental health support, conducting initial assessments, making referrals, and collaborating with external providers (including Rogers, if appropriate).
  2. Implementing a Multi-Tiered System of Supports (MTSS) for Mental Health: Advising a school on integrating mental health supports within their existing MTSS framework, ensuring that all students receive appropriate levels of support based on their needs.
  3. Conducting a Mental Health Needs Assessment: Partnering with a school to administer surveys and conduct focus groups with students, staff, and parents to identify key mental health needs and inform the development of targeted interventions and supports.

Integrating wellbeing into existing structures 

Embedding wellbeing initiatives within the school’s existing operational framework rather than treating them as separate, add-on programs. This ensures long-term sustainability and demonstrates that wellbeing is a priority.

Examples

  1. Professional Development Alignment: Integrating wellbeing topics into regular professional development days or staff training sessions.
  2. Staff Meeting Agendas: Including a dedicated agenda item for staff wellbeing check-ins or sharing wellbeing tips during weekly staff meetings.
  3. School Improvement Plans: Incorporating goals related to staff wellbeing into the school’s overall improvement plan.

 

Coaching Examples

Leadership coaching

Coaching specifically designed for school administrators and team leaders. This focuses on developing their leadership skills related to supporting staff wellbeing, creating a positive team culture, and effectively managing workplace dynamics that can impact stress levels.

Examples

  1. Promoting Work-Life Balance: Coaching leaders on modeling healthy work-life boundaries and encouraging their staff to do the same.
  2. Building Team Cohesion: Working with leaders on strategies to foster a sense of teamwork, trust, and psychological safety within their teams.
  3. Mentor Coaching for New School Administrators on Fostering a Positive School Climate: Pairing experienced administrators with new leaders and providing coaching focused on creating a supportive and mentally healthy environment for both students and staff.

Individual wellbeing coaching

A confidential and supportive partnership between a trained coach and an individual staff member. The coach helps the staff member identify their wellbeing goals, explore challenges, develop strategies, and build self-awareness and resilience. This is particularly helpful for staff experiencing high levels of stress, burnout, or those seeking to proactively enhance their wellbeing.

Examples

  1. Goal Setting Sessions: Initial coaching sessions focused on helping the staff member clarify their wellbeing goals (e.g., reducing stress, improving work-life balance, developing better coping skills).
  2. Strategy Development: Working with the staff member to identify and practice specific strategies for managing stressors and improving wellbeing (e.g., time management techniques, communication skills, boundary setting).
  3. Reflection and Problem-Solving: Providing a space for the staff member to reflect on their experiences, process challenges, and problem-solve difficult situations.

Instructional coaching with a wellbeing lens 

Integrating conversations and support around wellbeing into existing instructional coaching cycles. This recognizes that teacher wellbeing is intertwined with their classroom practice and provides a holistic approach to support.

Examples

  1. Managing Classroom Stressors: Coaches can work with teachers to develop strategies for managing challenging student behaviors, reducing classroom disruptions, and creating a more calm and predictable learning environment.
  2. Building Positive Student Relationships: Coaching on techniques for building strong, positive relationships with students, which can be a source of both joy and stress for teachers.
  3. Workload Management within Instruction: Helping teachers prioritize tasks related to planning, grading, and differentiation in a way that feels manageable.
  4. Reflecting on Emotional Responses: Coaching teachers to reflect on their emotional responses to classroom situations and develop strategies for managing those emotions constructively.

Peer coaching programs 

Training selected staff members to serve as peer coaches for their colleagues. This leverages internal expertise and fosters a culture of mutual support within the school. Peer coaches can provide a confidential and relatable source of support, sharing strategies and offering encouragement.

Examples

  1. Coach Training: Training peer coaches in basic coaching skills, active listening, confidentiality, and boundary setting.
  2. Structured Check-ins: Establishing a structure for peer coaching interactions, such as regular informal check-ins or more formal scheduled conversations.
  3. Providing Resources: Peer coaches can share relevant wellbeing resources with their colleagues.